Judgments and other things

I have met a certain type of women who seem to go all out for male attention. It may be because of the conservative circles that I typically move in, but it is almost always never done by revealing skin or the physical touch. It is done by implying to the men that they are the boss, that they are actually the gentler sex and that they are much more reliable than women can ever be. And it is also done by actively avoiding female company, judging them “bitchy”. It is done by turning a little bit mean in the presence of women and changing oneself into an angel when the first man walks in. It is kind of like how Sridevi’s daughter in English Vinglish was a sweeter person when the dad was around. But these women apply this to more than just one man.

Then I heard the term “Daddy Issues” and though I was initially loathe to let that term become a part of my vocablary, I invountarily applied the criteria to these women to check if it threw light on the people these women have turned out to be. Initially it was a near perfect fit. The women in question had absent father figures. It was almost as if that judgemental term was the answer I was looking for to explain what was initially completely incomprehensible to me. And sometimes it was the opposite. It was more regarding the father having been too present in the girl’s life to the extent that the girl started to see the father in a much better light than her own mother. I also saw that the male equivalents (Mommy Issues) existed in droves too. And sometimes the family seemed quite alright from where I was standing. In short, on good scrutiny, the theory did not hold as much water as I was initially crediting to it. Slowly I started to learn to keep myself from wildly making judgements on families that I hardly knew. A hundred judgements made, a lesson learnt.

This entire episode happened within my head. I did not discuss this theory saying mean things about people’s parents though the opportunities were a million. Also, the judgement would have been simplified by the minds of those who were listening to me gaining color that did not initially exist in my own theory. My problem was not against those who have more friends of the opposite sex. This was a different, more specific sort of attitude. But what if someone did not fully understand what I had to say? Would that not make me sound like a particularly mean-spirited person?

Something to this effect is what happened to the terms Manic Pixie Dream Girl and Cool Girl and yes, the judgements are almost always on female behaviour. In fact, the archetype I am describing above may be a sort of “Desi Cool Girl.”

But my question is this. Is it possible to become a unjudgemental person without ever taking a shot at a few quiet judgements initially? Is it wrong to navigate our world by making a few presumptions about people based on our own prior knowledge?

Are we using the words “Judgemental” and “Disapproving” interchangeably? If so, why?

Note: Check out how the “Cool Girl” described by Rosie Waterland and Gillian Flynn aren’t too similar. I may be judged a Cool Girl by Rosie but not by Gillian.


Let me shmoop it for you

You’d scarcely believe this, but Rahini is in love.

I met the love of my life quite accidentally when I was browsing about Delilah. (Well, what can I say? I wanted to post something really cool and witty on my new twitter account and Delilah is one interesting character. I take to such research like a fish to water)

So turns out there is this secret community of teachers who are dedicated to make learning fun. This thing did not exist when I was a child. But let us focus on this existing when I am an adult. Things can’t possibly get better, no? These teachers know that learning can and should be fun and so they did what they had to do and made plenty of dry subjects pretty darn palatable, juicy even.

Here is a sample list.

Books – Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Huckleberry Finn or Sherlock Holmes are all there and not to mention more recent ones like Interpreter of Maladies and Gone Girl and that girl who kicked the hornet’s nest.

The Bard naturally gets his own section with plays and quotes discussed in detail.

Science topics, SongsMythology and Movies they are all there.

The opening lines of Jurassic Park goes “These dinosaurs ain’t Barney. But that’s neither here nor there. We’re here to talk about Jurassic Park, the mega-hit that got everybody in the 1990s interested in paleontology, chaos theory, and genetic engineering.” and this is the upbeat introduction that I have been looking for all my life. I read the Twilight introduction and it is not condescending at all. And the Harry Potter set of articles is not overtly fan-girling him either and that is new in the World Wide Web unless we are talking about boring analysis that deliberately saps itself of the written words’ juice. This is the best of all possible worlds.

And I get to read the BIBLE with someone with a sense of humour. And surely that has NOT happened before.

Please don’t come and tell me you knew all about Shmoop already. I might kill you for not letting me know.

Just kidding. You know I turn to mush when I am in love.  ❤

Those who know how it is done

I have a met a few people who seem to have done things just right.

You got married at 24 and they at 27? They ask you “why so soon?” and immediately turn to ask someone a “why so late” if they weren’t tied up by the golden age of 27.

They know that couples should ideally have an age difference of two or three. It goes without saying that men should be older and thereby earn more. It is REALLY recommended that men are taller so that the photos look good and the men are darker so that the women look fairer. Did I mention that men should pass an extra post-graduation course as men should always have that extra degree? Never mind if that MBA course is not going to be useful at all.

They know the exact number of children a happy person should have. Two. And though they know that you can’t choose it, they believe that a boy should come out first and the girl should follow three years later. That, apparently, is the natural order of things.

“Remain in the first company for 2 years and the second one for 3 years and stick to the third company forever”, they tell you. Yes, that is exactly what they did. Didn’t I tell you that they always get their stuff right?

Such planned lives. I am glad this works for them. But I also wonder. Do they know that there are other ways of going through life?

Waiting in the Wings by Melissa Brayden

Was it George Bernard Shaw who said that a woman will ask you for advice listen very attentively and then go out and do exactly as it pleases her? Hmm. That is exactly what I did. I asked you all for some recent fiction that you enjoyed and going by the synopsis of most of your recommendations, I could see that you knew what you were talking about. But I finally chose something completely different.

I chose “Waiting in the wings” by Melissa Brayden as it was high time I sampled LGBT fiction. And I chose a light read that did not have disapproving straight people breathing down the protagonist’s neck and I chose well. I had been going through a few behind the scenes videos of Ballet performances and could very much connect with the theatre backdrop of this sweet novel. No one disapproves of Jenna or Adrienne just because they are lesbians. All the problems are regular people problems that any woman in a relationship can face. That said, it wasn’t exactly a read that gripped my heart and soul. It was good in a mild ‘one time read’ way.

It had a lot of ‘Oh, how can I admit my deep love? I am not sure if the other person loves me back’ hand wringing and that is somehow not something that grips me. The girl on girl hotness is something that was quite sweet without any cheesiness. Romances of recent times seem to be often about the protagonist’s struggle to choose between their career and their relationship. That is the main conceit of this novel. Jenna has delightful straight friends who give her the support she needs when she is down. The career is almost always an uphill climb. That may not be REAL for any career has its ups and downs. But it was somehow very much relatable in spite of the sugar coating.

So I am looking for a good novel with male gay protagonists. Once again I would prefer something light and some good humor would not be out of place. Got anything to suggest?  😀

Questions that deserve answers

Have you seen starry eyed moms (and sometimes dads) talk about their fast-growing quick-learning bundles of joy? More often than not, I hear about their questions. You know what all he asked? “Why do cars need petrol? Why do we feel hungry? Why children need more sleep than adults? Why fever? Why vaccination? And why fever immediately after vaccination? Why soap? Why shoes and why not chappals to fancy places? How do birds build nests? What is a stray dog and how is it different from other dogs? Why do beggars choose to beg outside places of worship? What were the British doing in India? Why this and why that.”

I hear the questions and usually presume that answers would have been given. But it is when I actually hear parents converse with their children that I realize that the children almost never get the answers to the innumerous questions they pose. In the great rush of parental pride and joy they forget that they have not explained to their child why cars need petrol, why we feel hungry and what the British were doing in India.

The child receives inadvertent answers. “You ask nice questions but there are no answers”, “You are more intelligent than I am”, “You ask silly questions that are worth a good laugh but it is not worth my time to answer them” and the worst of them all, “You are an arrogant child and these are not questionable things. You just do as I say without questions.” Heck, some of these answers are sometimes even verbally given by tired adults.

I do understand that some questions really don’t have convenient answers and are too amusing to not chuckle at. I mean, who gave Chithalai Chathanar his name and why? Did they mean it as a joke or was it a trendy name during his time?  I don’t presume to know and don’t know anyone who does. But usually a question raised by a child can be answered by a sensible adult without too much difficulty. It is just that most of us are too clueless about the world of dinosaurs, uncomfortable about the traditions we pretend to believe in and pretty much unhappy about our own thoughts and stances about important issues. Constantly bowdlerizing our replies can get exhausting. But do we not owe our children sensible answers? Is there any point in placing the blame on the teachers when parents should play a significantly big part in the development of our child’s morals and standards? And please, do not give them circular answers like “It should not be done as it is wrong.” When you deem something wrong, have an honest reply to what is wrong about whatever you are talking about. It maybe something small like using your left hand to accept a gift or it may be as big as doing recreational drugs. Be clear and specific. “I said so” is not the answer to important questions.

Do not teach the child that accepting adult behavior and aping it cutely is a sweeter thing to do than questioning and exploring and being willing to think. It is nothing of that sort.

My Favourite Illayaraja Albums

This is a list of my favourite Illayaraja Albums. I have gone with the dates given by Google and/or Wiki.

Thank you Ram Murali and Baradwaj Rangan for weeding out the non-Illayaraja songs from the list.

16 Vayathinilea (Jan 1977) Sattam En Kaiyil (July 1978) Aval Appadithaan (Oct 1978) Pagalil Oru Iravu (1979) Kalyanaraman (Jan 1979)
Uthiri Pookal (Oct 1979) Moodu Pani (Jan 1980) Ullasa Paravaigal(Mar1980) Johnny (Aug 1980) Nilalgal (Nov 1980)
Meendum Gokila (Jan 1981) Raja Paarvai (Apr 1981) Alaigal Oivathillai (Jul 1981) Panneer Pushpangal (Jul 1981) Tik Tik Tik (Nov 1981)
Moondram Pirai (Feb 1982) Payanangal Mudivathillai (Feb 1982) Kaadhal Ooviyam (Apr 1982) Thaai Mookaambikai (Jun 1982) Sakala Kala Vallavan (Aug 1982)
Gopurangal Saivathillai (Oct 1982) Mann Vaasanai (1983) Salangai Oli (Jun 1983) Munthanai-Mudichu (Jul 1983) Naan Paadum Paadal (Apr 1984)
Thambikku Entha Ooru (Apr 1984) Neengal Kettavai (Jun 1984) Vaithegi Kathirunthal (Jun 1984) Kai Kodukkum Kai (Jun 1984) Nallavanuku Nallavan (Oct 1984)
Poove Poochudava (1985) Kakki Sattai (Mar 1985) Naan Sigappu Manithan (April 1985) Uyartha Ullam (Jul 1985) Mudhal Mariyathai (Aug 1985)
Idhaya Koil (Sep 1985) Padikathavan (Nov 1985) Sindu Bairavi (Nov 1985) Maaveeran (1986) Mr. Bharath (Jan 1986)
Vikram (Jan 1986) Amman Kovil Kizhakale (April 1986) Kadalora Kavidhaigal (July 1986) Mouna Raagam (Aug 1986) Mella Thiranthathu Kathavu (Sept 1986)
Punnagai Mannan (Nov 1986) Paadu Nilavea (1987) Poovili Vasalilea (Jan 1987) Rettai Val Kuruvi (Feb 1987) Velaikaran (March 1987)
Enga Ooru Paatukaran (Apr 1987) Nayagan (July 1987) Manathil Uruthi Vendum (Oct 1987) Uzhavan Magan (Oct 1987) Agni Natchathiram (Apr 1988)
Bommukutti Amma (Apr 1988) Paasa Paravaigal (Apr 1988) Jeeva (Jul 1988) Soorasamhaaram (Jul 1988) Unnal Mudiyum Thambi (Aug 1988)
Dharmathin Thalaivan (Sep 1988) Satya (Sep 1988) Pudhu Pudhu Arthangal (1989) Vetri Vizha (1989) Mounam Samatham (Jan 1989)
Varusham 16 (Feb 1989) Rajadhi Raja (Mar 1989) Aboorva Sagotharargal (Apr 1989) Idhayathai Thirudathey (May 1989) Karagatakaran (Jun 1989)
Maapilai (Oct 1989) Panakkaran (Jan 1990) Keladi Kanmani (Jul 1990) Kizhakku Vaasal (Jul 1990) Ooru Vittu Ooru Vanthu (Jul 1990)
Chatriyan (Oct 1990) Chinna Gounder (1991) Eeramana Rojave (1991) Idhayam (1991) Karpoora Mullai (1991)
Michael Madana Kamarajan (1991) Vanna Vanna Pookkal( (1991) Dharma Durai (Jan 1991) Gopura Vasalile (Mar 1991) Captain Prabakaran (Apr 1991)
Chinna Thambi (Apr 1991) En Rasavin Manasilea (Apr 1991) Thalapathy (Nov 1991) Guna (Nov 1991) Mannan (Jan 1992)
Chinna Thayee (Feb 1992) Chembaruthi (Apr 1992) Chinnavar (Apr 1992) Naadodi Thendral (Apr 1992) Singaravelan (Apr 1992)
Aavarampoo (June 1992) Devar Magan (Oct 1992) Senthamil Paatu (Oct 1992) Chinna Pasanga Naanga (Nov 1992) Aatma (1993)
Mahanadhi (1993) Marubadiyum (Jan 1993) Walter Vetrivel (Jan 1993) Ejamman (Feb 1993) Aranmanai Kili (Apr 1993)
Ponnumani (Apr 1993) Uzhaipali (Jun 1993) Rajakumaran ( Jan 1994) Sethupathy IPS (Jan 1994) Veera (Apr 1994)
Oru oorula oru Rajakumari (Jan 1995) Mogamull (May 1995) Avatharam (Jun 1995) Siraichalai (Apr 1996 ) Kadhalukku Mariyadhai (Dec 1997)
Bharathi (2000) Hey Ram (Feb 2000) Azhagi (Jan 2002) Virumandi (Jan 2004) Neethaane En Ponvasantham (Dec 2012)